How Easter Ruins Spring

As some of you know, today is Easter. Well, it is for practitioners of Eastern Orthodox christianity.  I gotta say, of all christians, the orthos are my favorite. Far from the bible literalist that American fundies turn out to be, the orthos are much more "mystical," which means that they believe in biblical metaphor and have a much less dogmatic view of things.  More importantly for my purposes, however, their bishops and such still grow really impressive beards and wear funny hats and stuff.  I love that.

I spent other Easter (or zombie Jesus day, as it's oft refered to by those unencumbered by religious respect) with my girlfriend's family. They are, of course, believers one and all and every religious holliday I get to watch the specticle of their belief paraded around. It's cute. They ply the little ones with a candy scavenger hunt, and tales of magic bunnies, and get them all giddy. Then they tell them stories of a magic man who was murdered but then came back to life. Then all the tykes get to spend the next few years trying to figure out which story their supposed to believe and why their parents lied to them about the other.

Happy Easter! 
 There, he's dead- can I have my candy now?

Honestly, I don't really object to the goofy bunny stuff (or Santa, for that matter), it's a little weird, but whatever.  What did kind of bother me was when my girlfriend's father sat everyone down and forced them to sit through a pretty gruesome Jesus snuff film.  On the day that is meant to be a celebration of Jesus' resurrection, this hour-long film spent 55 minutes showing Jesus get tortured, betrayed, beaten and bloodied with extremely sad and serious music playing in the background. Why was this ok? They would never have allowed these children to watch that kind of violence if it was happening to a real person instead of Jesus. It was horrific! 

My biggest objection to Easter, however, is this- they're trying to ruin spring!  Centuries ago, the christians got sick of watching the pagans having all the fun with their spring celebration.  So, as they did with Christmas, they took it over, and made it all about Jesus.  Well it's NOT about Jesus!  It's about renewal and birth and life and all the joys that come with spring!  That's why the rabbit is such a great symbol- 'cause rabbits are furry and nice and they have lots of sex and make babies! That's why eggs are a symbol, and fuzzy little baby chicks. It aint got shit to do with some guy getting murdered.  Actually, you can make it about Jesus if you want- just keep your focus on the idea that he came back, not on his gruesome death. That's all I'm asking! Quit being such a damned downer in my favorite season! 

Thank you.

One thought on “How Easter Ruins Spring

  1. you should have been in my neighborhood in brooklyn on good friday. about ten o’clock all these people come marching down the street chanting and carrying crosses. It looked like some twisted christian clan rally. Totally creeped me out.

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