They Had Gold?

Ok- I'm going to tell you a story, and you tell me if it makes any sense at all:

 "Hey- check out those frogs!"

Imagine, if you will, that you are a slave.  Every day for you consists of waking up, going to back-breaking labor building enormous structures out of giant pieces of solid stone, then coming home, only to start it all again the next day.  You eat, you drink, you worship a single god, and you do slave labor. This is your life.

Now imagine that a man steps forward (one of your people), and starts to speak up. He says "God has told me he will see to it that you will all be free.  Soon!" Well, I'm sure you've heard that mess before, so you don't bother to pay much attention. But pretty soon after that, some truly bizarre shit starts happening!

Rivers turn to blood. Frogs swarm in by the millions. All your captors get horrible boils. Locusts descend on you.  I don't remember all ten of the plagues… I think flying monkeys swoop in and kidnap folks… little hazy on that one. I do remember that HAIL FALLS FROM THE SKY AND CATCHES ON FIRE ON THE GROUND! And then, to top all that, you're told to put blood on your doorway, because scary magic juju is going to kill the first-born son of every household that doesn't have the blood. And the juju actually comes! The sons of your captors are slaughtered left and right. It's a damned massacre!

Your captors, the very people who have managed to keep your people enslaved since before anyone can remember, possibly the most powerful race of people on the planet, are so terrified by the whole affair, that they actually let everybody go! Everybody packs whatever they have (which can't be much- remember these are poor slaves), and follow this prophet into the wilderness.

Just to be clear- this is actually not possible

But WAIT!  Your captors have changed their minds! They send a battalion of soldiers after you to kick your ass! What are you going to do? You have no way of defending yourself, you'll be slaughtered for sure, right?  Wrong! God swoops in again to help out. He sends a pillar of fire to stop the soldiers and then parts a fucking sea so you can escape! 

You get the gist. In the span of, who knows- a few months, maybe, you have personally witnessed some of the most unmistakable miracles the world has ever known. You went your whole life without seeing anything amazing at all, and then POW- you see shit that would make David Copperfield blow his colon.

My question is this: If you saw ALL THAT, and as a result went from a life of slavery and misery to a life of freedom in the blink of an eye, and you knew that all these miracles

Ain't no party like a gold-cow party!

were gifts from the god that you've worshipped your whole life… would you ever (and I mean EVER) think to yourself "I don't know… maybe I should worship somebody else for a bit- y'know, like a cow made of metal."

I mean what the hell?  It's just not plausible. I recognize that multi-theism was common at that time (though not among the "children of Israel" according to the bible), but honestly. They're going to turn their backs on that god? The one who not only brought them out of slavery, but did it in the most spectacular fashion imaginable? Right. I don't care who you are- you're not going to ditch pillar-of-fire part-the-seas god for a damned cow. It's too stupid.

Also- where the fuck did they get gold to make this idol? Moses ("the great babysitter") goes away for a bit to talk to god, and by the time he gets back, somebody has come up with enough gold that they've made an idol out of it.  They were SLAVES! Where is all this gold coming from? It's not like it was just littering the desert floor as they traveled around…

NONE OF THIS SHIT MAKES ANY SENSE! We're supposed to believe that all this bullshit actually happened???  Damned Bible makes me feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

12 thoughts on “They Had Gold?

  1. Hey Dan! I love your site! It’s always fun to hear from a fellow atheist! I sometimes feel like Im on crazy pills too when i’m subjected to religious bullshit!

  2. That was a funny as hell post. I’m an atheist who’s an ex-Mormon so I’ve even got more material to make fun of.

    I argue with Christians and Mormons alike but my favorite are the evangelical Christians who say Joseph Smith was the Devil for saying he saw God and Jesus Christ. I then ask them, if Joseph Smith is in trouble for SEEING God and JC, then why the hell is Mary so credible for GIVING BIRTH to JC?

    Nice site man, thanks for the laughs.

  3. it’s because the story *is* bullshit… er, um, wait, i know that seems obvious, but bear with me. the latest archaeological and anthropological evidence shows that the book of Exodus is pure, 100%, made-up propaganda. there is no evidence of a mass migration — or exodus — of slaves from Egypt to Israel. it’s just a collective national myth they told themselves, because who doesn’t like a “freedom from shackles” type story?

    this talks a bit about it:

  4. It isn’t totally unexplained. Exodus 11:1 says they asked their Egyptian neighbors for gold and silver jewelry.

  5. I stand corrected. In Exodus 11, the lord tells the Israelites to “borrow” gold and silver from their “neighbor” (that would be their captors?). This brings up some new, very disturbing problems:

    1. Isn’t “borrowing” gold with no intention of returning it called stealing? (of course there are translations that don’t use the word borrow- they just say that the Israelites asked for the gold, and the Egyptians said “Uh… sure! I guess… take all you want.”)

    2. Why did god want these people to have gold? Were they supposed to barter with it in the wilderness? It seems to me that they were just being set up to look like assholes later. It was a setup I tells ya!

  6. You ain’t no a-thee-ist, Dan, cause if their ain’t no God then their ain’t no a-thee-ists; and if there ain’t no a-thee-ists, then there ain’t no nothin’; and if there ain’t no nothin’, cause we don’t exist, eh!

  7. DUDE! Get the context right!

    The Israelites were NOT the only people around at that time so there were other people that had created customs and traditions and gods.

    The Israelites were were wondering in the desert where they didn’t even have any food. They were too busy complaining to God to even think about any other gods!

    ALSO you are forgetting the humanity side of things…

    HUMANS DOUBT EVERYTHING! From God to what they should do on a daily basis to where they are going in life. IT IS APART OF BEING HUMAN!

    Please ATLEAST get the context right if you are going to trash the Bible please…

  8. Well,

    It’s really not good to be arguing about God and or the actuality of his exsistence. Whoever rewrote the story of moses, I’ll admit, did have some plausible questions. And of course, since you are an atheist, your going to trash anything anyone says.

    Like all humans, not just you athiests, but even believers of God, even the Jews, sometimes doubt his exsistence.

    Honestly, If God didn’t exist, then Jews probably wouldn’t exist. It is the exsistence of Jews, who ironically enough don’t believe in Jesus, that reassure me that God clearly exsists.

    If Moses didn’t happen, then Jews obviously wouldn’t even exist because they would have evenually died off and or converted to Egytian beliefs. That is, if Moses didn’t happen. God would have not rescued them through Moses, hence which evidently has occured since they are in full exsistence until this very day.

    Doubting God’s works through Moses to save his people is like doubting that Moses even existed. I mean, if the Egytians sure enough existed, because we have proof of it, since we can see all of the pyramids that were built by the Jews, then God exists. The only reason why the Jews even ended up in Egypt was because of God. The only reason why Jews are even Jews is because they beileve in one sole God they can’t see or touch.

    And if the Jews managed to get to the promise land,(Israel), which still belongs to them and will never be taken away or wiped off the map no matter how hard the paletines try, don’t you question how else they would have gotten there if they were enslaved by the Egyptains? They obviously got there somehow, how else would they have gotten to where they are?

    Well, through Moses of course.

  9. By the way, did you read the whole story of Isrealites in EGypt in the bible? Or you’re just too snob to open it to find the truth?

    The ISrealites got GOLD because the Egyptians give up their belongings to them. Cattle, jewwlries all the precious things were given away, they expected the Israelites to leave the country because of the mess God has made through the plagues upon them. They were in terrible grief and fear that another plague may come again. So they give up all precious things they have. Got it?

    Any questions about God? I will be more than welcome to answer……….

    Hope you’ll find the truth and the truth will set you FREE.

  10. People aren’t reasonable.

    Your parents gave you life. They gave you more than 98% of what the world ever gets in material things — so why do you treat them like crap?

  11. The children got Gold because they were told to take the captives Gold around their necks (they plundered before they left. ). “But every woman shall borrow of her neighbour, and of her that sojourneth in her house, jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment: and ye shall put them upon your sons, and upon your daughters; and ye shall spoil the Egyptians” (Ex. 3:22, KJV

    Aaron called the caft. Yayweh. This is your Yayweh he said when they were excited about everything yet weary from the journey. But Elohim forgave them it was Moses that was pissed and broke the tablets. After they kept sinning that’s when Elohim made an arrangement for their sins to be forgiving. (That’s another story. )
    Exodus 32:4-5 ISR98 the scriptures

    And he took this from their hand, and he formed it with an engraving tool, and made a moulded calf. And they said, “This is your mighty one, O Yisra’ĕl, that brought you out of the land of Mitsrayim!” And Aharon saw and built an altar before it. And Aharon called out and said, “Tomorrow is a festival to יהוה.”

    So that sums up . After coming from Egypt (meaning bonded in hebrew) after that had plundered all the Gold they could carry around their necks. Almost giving to them like here take this Gold and Get out of our land! The Egyptians probably didn’t care what they did they just wanted them gone after all the events that happen. So after they leave. And are nearly dead in the wilderness. Read why they went the long way instead of the shorter way. If ya want there is a method To The Most High Wisdom. They wanted to worship the One who saved them. Notice How Aaron calls the Calf the Name of the Most High. This is 400 years later , they didn’t know What Elohim was. They were use to worshiping the Egyptian God’s. Their history was so water down its hard to be how the ancestors were. Even Christianity or Judaism gets water down. A lot of people don’t even try to follow the Sabbath. Though it’s okay to do Good. Church ( a pagan word Latin meant like circus. ) it’s a lot. Maybe try learning hebrew. It’s just so much that you will gain from that alone. Holiday , bible, wearing rings on the ring finger all pagan.

    Fight the principalities.

    You should just read this for your self. Even if its to point out all the contradictions. At least you are able to back up what you read. You will find more answers that way. Don’t let anyone else be an interpreter for you. I have no religion. My Culture is something else. Any who, good job or writing about something you care about.

    I wish you the best on some soul searching and you will find what you are looking for .

  12. And about your question concerning the Gold. I believe Joel Osteen said a perfect reason why. His gospel is basic but good in some ways. Joel described the children which were use to living in poverty now had beautiful Gold and silver and jewels. It’s made they feel rich. Ever seen or heard a little child that was born in some money ? They don’t even have the money but some of them have this posh and just plain sassy aura about them :) not all of them. But it feels good to the children and for the parents to see all that wealth that they wanted to take to the promise land. But with all that complaining none of them but 2 were able to see it. It was a reason. Just like Elohim told Abraham and Jacob to look at the sands and stars and see the hairs on one head and that will be their children. HE WANTED THEM TO VISION a life of luxury. Or as the most high said Milk and Honey. :)

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