The Trouble with Miracles

I was thinking today about healthcare. And Jesus. And miracles.  Here's what I came up with: miracles are nothing but dangerous!  They don't help. They only hurt.

"But miracles are so much fun," you might say, "how could they possibly be bad?"  Well, hypothetical reader, I'll tell you.  The real trouble with miracles is that, aphorisms to the contrary, they don't happen every day.  They certainly don't happen to everyone. The promise, however, is that everyone could have a miracle, if they live good enough lives and their mercurial god happens to be in a miracle-type mood that day.

 But they're praying so hard…

Therein lies the problem: if folks think that a miracle can happen to them, especially if they think that all they need to do is have enough faith to make it happen, they start acting accordingly- and getting screwed!!! They take what they read about in the bible as true (always a problem), and they think that if some chick can be healed of her leprosy or whatever just by touching the hem of Jesus' garment, surely Jesus can cure their cancer.  The problem is, how do I show Jesus that I have enough faith to earn my own healing?

I could pray every day and read the scriptures… but my grandma did that, and the lord saw fit to kick her ass. I could ask my congregation to pray for me, but we all prayed for sweet sister so-and-so, and she died a painful, horrible death. How do I show Jesus that I have faith in his healing power?  Well, if I'm trying to show faith, what kind of message is it sending that I'm actually letting the doctors try to treat me? As long as I'm going to doctors, Jesus is going to think that I don't fully believe he'll heal me… My chemo is killing my miracle!!!

So, the truly faithful stop treatment, believe in the lord, and die. Or they trust the lord will save them from the jaws of a wild animal and they pray rather than learning and utilizing appropriate wild animal evasive maneuvers. Or, and this is one of my favorites, they stop to pray instead of taking emergency action.

The real shit of it is that every once in a blue moon, somebody does something they shouldn't, and it works out well.  And of course, while hundreds of morons the world over are dying and getting horribly sick because they think Jesus is more reliable than the hospital, what gets publicity? That one "miraculous" recovery.  So the whole ridiculous process propagates itself, and a new generation of miracle seekers is born. 

But hang on a tic- if people are stupid enough to think that prayer will keep them alive, and it kills them, perhaps it's just a Darwinian means of thinning the weak-minded out of the gene pool! I'm going at this all wrong… by pointing this out, I'm slowing human evolutionary progress… I should be encouraging people to let god heal them!

The new official ThankGodImAtheist stance of faith-healing: If you think there is the remotest chance that Jesus will cure you- stop all other treatments immediately, and take to praying! Blessed be. Amen.

4 thoughts on “The Trouble with Miracles

  1. Hey Dan,

    You don’t know me but my friend Joslyn just sent me a link to your sight and i am laughing so hard I’m crying. Thanks!

  2. While Jesus was occupied with finding my car keys, a family of Kenyans were hacked to pieces with machetes. It pays to be faithful. Just sayin.

  3. Well, yeah Matt- I guess it’s pretty cool to get help with the keys… I suppose I hadn’t thought of Jesus’ help in an us vs. them sort of way. When you think about it, one of the coolest parts about getting help from god is that he’s helping YOU, and you know there’s somebody out there that really needs his help that he doesn’t give two shits about. That’s gotta make you feel special!

  4. We are special. You and I are the “elect”, saved to come down in these most wicked last days to ensure that confused women don’t double pierce their ear lobes. I’m grateful that we have modern day revelation so we can understand these things.


    Oh yeah,

    Fuck the gays!


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