Pat Robertson Knows EVERYTHING!

So I was just checking out the web page for Saint Patrick Robertson’s 700 club, and was startled by what I saw.  I knew Pat was a self-proclaimed expert on religion and politics, but I had no idea how deep his well goes!

Pat bling

Here’s just a sampling of topics he feels comfortable covering in his “Bring It On” Q&A section:

“Should I let my daughter’s boyfriend move in?” [No suprise here (I wonder what he’s going to say???).]

“Is it biblical to get artificial insemination?” [More interresting, but again, no suprise.]

“How can I control my appitite?” “How can I exercise at home?” [He’s like the fundamentalist Richard Simmons!]

“Can collecting unemployment hurt your financial record?” [And while we’re at it, does Jesus take heaven points away for credit scores below 550?]

“Have large countries like China been holding strong financially?” [Keep buying Pat’s DVDs at WalMart- China’s going to be juuuuust fine.]

“I tend to go for ice cream and chocolate as my comfort foods. Have any healthier suggestions?” [Try Pat’s favorite morning pick-me-up: a Metamucil-cocaine smoothie! It’s delicious, and will give you the energy to hate bad people all day long!]

“I want to maximize my workout on the treadmill. Should I increase the time or increase the incline?”  [Who cares? When the rapture comes, Jesus will make us all skinny!]

“If Jesus said ‘by my stripes, you were healed,’ why do we as Christians still have afflictions?”  [I think that’s obvious- anyone who ever gets sick clearly isn’t christian enough. Illness: proof that you’re faith sucks.]

The man’s a damned oracle!

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