Makin’ Money in the Lord’s Service

“Yes, Bible sales.

The trade is not a complicated one; There’re but two things to learn: one bein’ where to find a wholesaler- the word of God in bulk, as it were. Two bein’ how to rekanize your customer. Who’re you dealing with? An exercise in psychology, so to speak. And it is that which I propose to give you a lesson in right now.”

-Big Dan Teague

And the Lord said unto the duckie…

I’ve got a project in the works for this site about which I am extremely excited (no, I’m not going to tell you what it is yet). Unfortunately for me, though, my research for the project involves actually having to read the bible.  Oy.  It’s such a mixed bag, that book.  There are some truly interesting stories there separated by the most amazingly boring lists of who-begat-whom. But you gotta read it all, because if you skim, you could miss the one or two verses that would totally blow your mind if you were paying attention. It’s especially fun if you think you know the story you’re reading, because if you read carefully you’re almost bound to find some utterly messed-up detail that they skipped in Sunday school.

As you may know, there are dozens of versions on the market these days. Unsatisfied with the dusty old King James version (KJV for those in the know), the believers have come up with all sorts of alternatives.  There’s the New King James version (not quite sure where they found a new King James…), the Standard, the Revised Standard, the New revised Standard, the American Standard, the New American standard… they got new versions of new versions coming out of their patoots!  For the most part, the differences are things like using the word “lads” as opposed to “children,” or “dome” instead of “firmament”- basically taking the poetry out and replacing it with updated dumbed-down bullshit.

So I’ve been bible shopping. Uggh. Barnes and Noble had many bibles for sale, including the ridiculous one pictured above (I guess it makes sense to give a bible to a baby- most adults who own a bible don’t read it either). First complaint: every bible I found, even the leather-bound fancy ones, has those flimsy see-through pages. What’s the deal with that? What I really wanted was a bible with space to make notes and pages that could withstand highlighting. No dice. And on top of that, all the bibles were at least $20!  For that price I could just check into some sleazy motel, do, y’know, whatever it is I happen to do at such establishments (hint: the meth I bring is not for me- it’s for the animals), and then just steal the damned bible from the dresser (it’s the New Gideon Standard Revised version).

Fortunately, I managed to find a totally acceptable used bible at a local thrift shop for a couple of bucks. It’s working just fine. I’m actually kind of having fun with it- I keep waiting for somebody to see me studying this thing and gleefully approach me. What a fun conversation we’ll have!