Frank’s Patriarchal Blessing

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Mormons have a mystical side they don’t like sharing with the world—they know how weird their secret practices make them look—but the secrets have a special power to hold on to people even years after they’ve thrown off their mormonism.

I experienced a good example of this on Wednesday when I stumbled upon my lost “patriarchal blessing.” This weirdo ritual is performed by what amounts to as a Mormon psychic—or “stake patriarch”—who is appointed to do so for his little corner of the church. This older revered man puts his hands on your head, conveys promises from “Heavenly Father” for your life, and provides enough specific sounding generalizations to convince the blessing’s recipient that the whole thing was intended just for them. The blessing is transcribed and filed away at the church offices in Salt Lake City. You get a copy of the blessing (on a very important and official looking form) in the mail a few weeks later.

Like most mission bound young Mormons, I received my patriarchal blessing a few months prior to leaving for my two-year mission. I felt incredibly special hearing God’s pronouncements for my life and worked hard to make sense of the blessing’s vaguer portions. There were promises of “sitting in counsel with the brethren” and an assurance that “a young lady [is] now being prepared for you.” Both presented its own unique mindfuck that would take years to undo. One seemed like a promise that I had the potential to attain church leadership (a great blessing and a signal of righteousness) and the other suggested to me that if I held on long enough, the whole “gay thing” might just go away.

These and other parts of the blessing loomed over me for years, but after accepting my atheism, I was able to slowly shed the control this document held over me. Through the years I have continued to set aside various relics of my religious upbringing.

At some point, I lost track of my copy of my patriarchal blessing and thought I’d never see it again. That is until I found it in a box of old credit card statements. My first reaction upon seeing it was excitement, and then I hesitated to read it. I realized though, that all these years later, I was still granting it some power.

So here you go world: Frank Feldman’s patriarchal blessing! Seeing as how Mormons don’t talk openly with outsiders about patriarchal blessings even in general, I’ve decided that I wanted to share my whole blessing for anyone who might be interested in reading it. A warning though, it’s really not that interesting.

Patriarchal Blessing p1_reduced

Patriarchal Blessing (page 1)

Patriarchal Blessing p2_reduced

Patriarchal Blessing (page 2)

23 thoughts on “Frank’s Patriarchal Blessing

  1. Thank you – this was actually fascinatingly horoscope-like, and I also pictured a gypsy fortune teller too. The way he slid in the truths — you have an outgoing personality, your parents are devout, etc — was inspired.

  2. LOL, I agree with Phoebe, it’s exactly like a horoscope. Only difference is that this has the power of religion behind it, which makes is more sinister than the charlatans witch crystal balls, or the idiots who do your daily newspaper “reading.” Of all the stupid things in the Mormon church, this one is up there. But seriously, they need capes, purple ones with gold stars sown on them. And pointy hats.

  3. Whatever happened to that special young girl they were preparing for you? Did she end up a bitter old maid?

  4. Wow, quite the document. I can’t imagine receiving this as a young man. It reads like there’s a long, boring life ahead. Full of proselytizing under the watchful eye of the lord. With the “evil one” lurking around every corner, ready to pounce. And this is supposed to be an inspirational milestone? Jeez, give a kid a break.

  5. I’m amazed at how similar this is to mine. It’s different words, but basically the same template. Tribe, then personality, then mission, then marriage, then family, then death and resurrection. I wonder if they told us in church to not share it with anyone because once you start reading others’, you realize yours is full of shit.

  6. Ive been reading about religions cause my “christian” aunt just shot herself…im an atheist thank god lol but the reality is is its all what a persons imagination makes it. They want you to think your in a matrix but in reality its them dreaming! If she was a “christian” either one she wouldve never shot herself or two they dont stand on what they say they believe!

  7. I thought this was very sweet and wonderful blessing. As a Mormon myself, mine reads quite different and I wish you could have stayed in the church and prospered. Take care.

    • Ann you’re right. Mine also is different.

      To those against the church…look in a library for books on a particular subject and you would find similar material in each but yet it is somehow unique to that book….our blessings should be similar because God doesn’t give one a better promise than the next….but these blessings do provide some unique warnings and blessings. I’m not a brainwashed Mormon. I have studied all literature for and against the church and i know what i believe in. I don’t believe in the leaders….I believe in God. I know he exists not from books but from personal experience as real as daylight. I don’t need anyone to change and don’t intend to convert anyone…but let the Hindu people be, let the Christians alone, let the atheists alone.

    • I am going to receive my blessing in a few days time. I am excited to receive my blessing. I know when someone cannot keep up with the virtues and morality that is expected, they tend to fall apart. And when they do fall apart, they tend to forget the whole purpose of worship and being obedient to God. Our Father knows we may fall and He is ready to pick us up again.

      Becoming a Morman has changed my life. The church is my family and I am neither lost nor lose my faith if someone makes public misinterpretations to confuse me. I shall continue my code of obedience to LDS.

  8. Perspective is everything. The things mentioned in your blessing will not happen if you don’t hold up to your covenant. It’s a two way promise. You always have a choice. I do know God loves you whether you believe in Him or not. The words in your blessing are from God. I would be honored to serve in a council with you. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

  9. Mine is completely different to yours. You need to wake up man before its too late!!! You are so lucky to receive those blessings mine is opposite. I read into it that you are born of good parents and that one day you will be an apostle or on that level.You are a very special person with a great personality and Satan is real he wants to possess you!!! This is not a joke he does want to possess you and if you are an atheist he will. Heaven is real and if you accept the Lord Jesus into your heart whatever religion you are he will accept you into Heaven if you don’t you will go the other way. This is very real, I’ve been to the other side and seen. If I was you I would repent and put your life in order come back and receive all the blessings of a wonderful family that you deserve before its too late!!!,!

  10. How sad that you take such great promises so irrevently. Sorry you’ve struggled with things but I find it sad that you are doing this. I’m a convert to the church and I know it’s true and it’s a huge blessing in my life. It truly is set up to help us learn important truths that help us be happy. That simple! There’s nothing ulterior or sinister about it.

  11. A patriarchal blessing may contain general advice they may be applicable to more than one person. Human nature tends to remain constant through the ages so of course all patriarchal blessings will hinge on the same important topics such as marriage, family, career and general life advice.
    Life is a real challenge me. I’m glad my patriarchal blessing helps guide me on occasion when I read over it again.
    Mine is different to yours. But there are some similarities. This doesn’t phase me – if I spoke to my children in this way I would say 90% of the same things to all of them with maybe a few individual things pertaining to their own personalities. Patriarchal blessings are no different we are all facing similar life challenges with a few differences.

  12. Frank, Are you still kicking against the pricks? Putting your blessing on line doesn’t change anything. Whether you wish it or not, God still exists, you are still His son, and He still loves you and wants you back. Amazing, isn’t it? But still true! Actually, instead of being angry at your blessing, you are angry at yourself, because you messed up. Fortunately, because of Christ’s atonement, forgiveness and a new start can be yours if you choose to repent. I hope you can do it.

    • Oh Emma, too bad your god is fake, and you’ve been completely fooled by a cult. No matter how hard you wish it so, Heavenly Father still isn’t there. I’m out, and I’m happy.

      • You might be living a life of instant satisfaction and excitement, but deep down I think you know that you’re not really “happy”. How could you throw away such amazing promises that are in your blessing? God loves you, and even if you don’t believe he’s real, that doesn’t change the fact that he is. Look around you. How could a world like this be created without a god? How could anything start without a god? If you dig deep down, I think you’ll be able to find that Light of Christ that we’re all born with. You can still repent and gain salvation, and have an eternal family. I know that I probably sound like everyone else that has commented on this page, but I KNOW that there is a god. He’s real, and he cares about me and you.

      • I testify firmly and boldly there is a God. The sun , earth, and universe testify of a great and glorious creator. The air we breath testifies of a God. Satan is the great deceiver. The father of lies. Be wise and follow the light that is true! Satan will not support you in the end. But remember, how ever far you stray Jesus will be there for you. He remembers you. He loves you infinitely- enough to give his life for you. Remember, remember- do not be deceived. Remember how much he loves you and the spirit that is in you-the light within you. In his Holy name I testify, even Jesus Christ

        • Susan,

          The god Christians believe in has always been a “god of the gaps.” As we learn more about the universe, the Christian god gets relegated farther and farther out into fewer and fewer places. That’s fine–if that’s how you want to believe–but atomic fusion, gravity, geology, and physics all explain the earth and sun without any need for a god to step in. Science doesn’t need a god for humanity to understand how the cosmos operates or why the earth revolves around the sun.

          You really should get with the times! The gaps in scientific knowledge you should be claiming as evidence of a god are quickly disappearing, but if you look real hard, there might still be something out there that could use a little help from a god. Personally, I’d suggest sticking more with the metaphysical though–the essence of human consciousness might be a good place to start. Not very compelling to me as a reason to believe in a god, but still something interesting to think about on a Saturday afternoon.

          It really boils down to this… just because you don’t understand how something came to be does not mean that there must be a god behind it. It means that you personally lack the knowledge to explain it, but you can fix that! I’d recommend the new “Cosmos” series that Fox aired a couple of years ago as a starting point–plenty of cool animations, interesting stories, and if Neil deGrasse Tyson can’t win you over, you really are a lost cause.

          In conclusion, I do want to say that there’s nothing morally wrong with believing in a god–I don’t think it inherently makes you a bad person. Lots of good people still hope for a god to exist, but it starts getting difficult to hold onto the “good person” designation if you use your god belief to justify judgmental behavior or support laws that limit other people’s legal rights based on who they are. As long as we all “live and let live” and adopt some form of what Christians call the Golden Rule, we can live together in peace. For example, let’s say you believe gay people are bad. You have the right to say so all you want, but don’t treat (or support laws that would treat) gay people any differently than you’d like to be treated. That means you shouldn’t oppose gay marriage for the very simple reason that it doesn’t affect your marriage. Your morality is yours and yours alone. Share it, talk about it, but know the limits of what’s decent.

          So in that vein, thank you for commenting on my blog, but accept it when I say that even with all your testifying, I’m still an atheist.

          Amen.

  13. Ammon, I’m so glad that you know me well enough to be able to speak about how I’m living my life. Seeing as how you’ve made conclusions about me based on a few lines of text online, I’m going to do the same and assume that you’re a judgmental religious prick. See how that feels? Sadly for you, I’m on firmer ground judgmentally than you.

    You know, I actually feel bad for you religious types. For one, you’re all so limited by guilt and shame, and two, you don’t even understand simple little things like the meaning of the word “know.” The word you’re looking for is “believe.” And to be honest, your belief is not something I’d be willing to base my life on. No offense.

    The fact of the matter is you don’t know that god exists. You only have warm feelings when you think about how special you are because you have the “gospel” in your life. I get warm feelings watching rated-R movies and listening to adult themed music. It’s exactly the same feeling I had as a kid watching General Conference or listening to speakers at EFY. Exactly the same. And if you’ll be honest with yourself, it’s exactly the same way you felt while watching a really sweet episode of Gilmore Girls or if that’s too racy for you—Touched by an Angel.

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